MOTIVATED?

Sometimes it's hard to stay motivated. Sometimes what I want right now seems more important than what I want most. Sometimes, changing years of behavior and habits seems impossible. I feel like this is a never-ending story - me complaining about how I'm struggling and the scale be-bopping all around the same 5 pounds - over and over and over. I'm tired of it and anyone reading this dribble has to be, too.

So, I've been thinking a lot about motivation. Where it comes from and how to keep it. I thought my motivation was good. I had a doctor telling me that if I didn't lose weight, all the PRE-cancerous tissue I had in my uterus was going to eventually be actual cancer. If I didn't lose weight, I would get diabetes. If I didn't lose weight, my life would most likely be cut short. Now that's some good motivation, don't you think? I thought so too. But somehow, in the day-to-day, normal life-livin', run-o-d'mill stuff, it gets lost. Or maybe it's just that I do. 

At the recommendation of a friend, I've started reading a blog called Runs for Cookies. Katie lost 125 pounds in 16 months and has maintained her loss for two years so far. She wrote a post about motivation and how it differs from determination. You can read that post by clicking here. What I got from it was that motivation is all too fleeting - temporary. Determination is the force that's going to get you there. I've got a bit of determination - a little glimmer. I haven't given up. Each day I try again and most days I do pretty well. I keep reading about others who have lost a lot of weight. I keep thinking they will inspire me. They usually do. But sometimes, it gets me down that they can do it, but I can't. Maybe, I need to take a break from reading other people's stories and just concentrate on mine.

I'm waiting for an appointment with a nutritionist at our local hospital's Diabetes and Nutrition Education. My doctor sent a referral last week. I got a message that they received the referral and that I should be getting a call in a week or so for an appointment. I'm frustrated with how much time it all takes, but excited to get started and, hopefully, get a plan made just for me. I'm also excited about the accountability that will come with it. 

I'd better get to bed. Those boys of ours get up mighty early. It's hard on us night-owls - morning, that is. Over and out.

Watch Those Fingers

As I looked at the scale this morning, sucking in my gut (like it made a difference), I was disappointed. And, really, My Fitness Pal is being kind and rounded up. It was really only 0.8 of a pound. I wanted to lose more.  I should have lost more. It is what it is. But, there are people I could blame. 

I can blame Lobster, who wouldn't put our air conditioner in the window and so when it was 

IN THE UPPER 90'S 

for almost a week and I didn't want to cook and make my kitchen feel like the attic of hell any more than it already did. I didn't make my meal plan's food for lunches or dinner for the first 3 days. And I didn't keep track of calories.

I can also blame the Schwan's man. I know he has a name, but at my house, he's just the Schwan's Man. He knows what we like around here. We like their ice cream. Usually, I go for their Triple Lemon Crunch Frozen Yogurt. It's very light and refreshing and only 130 calories and 3 grams of fat per 1/2 cup compared to 160 calories and 8 grams of fat per 1/2 cup of their ice cream. Well, they have a new flavor. It is Coconut Almond Fudge. And It. Is. DELICIOUS. It's a coconut flavored ice cream with little bits of chocolate covered almonds and a fudge ripple running through it - it's kind of like an oh-so-creamy Almond Joy candy bar.  You know what else it is? Gone. Luckily, boys 1 and 2 liked it, too, and I had some help. 

But, blame is a funny thing. What's that cheesy saying? While you're pointing your finger at someone else, remember the 4 fingers pointing back at you, or something to that effect. It's nice to be able to blame anyone else. But, don't worry. I know just how it is. 

I am grateful that my weight went down. I didn't completely screw it up. I had some momentum going. But, it's kind of my pattern to have success and then feel like I have extra breathing room or something - like 3 pounds lost has made me a super model and I didn't need to be as careful. I've got to figure that out. Sabotaging myself is not what I want.

I watched the season finale of "Extreme Makeover - Weight Loss" tonight. It was very inspiring. The man, Jarvez, began his year at 548 pounds and ended it at 267 pounds. He worked so hard. If that 548 pound man could work out the way he did, I can get up off my lazy butt and work harder. I have a doctor appointment next month and I want to show her that I can do it. 

Well, I'm off to bed. I read that not getting enough sleep makes your body feel hungrier than it really is. I need all the help I can get.

No Rain Dance Today

When we check in at our local YMCA (by scanning our ID), we are invited inside by a sultry female voice saying, "Welcome." I was very relieved to hear that voice on Thursday. I was a little worried I'd hear a mean, hard male voice say, "We have a message for you, please see the front desk." So, apparently,  it was Crazy Hat week at the Y. Earlier in the week, one of the aquatics directors came into the pool area with one of those mini-umbrellas that sit on you head like a hat. Similar to this, except kind of a clearish pink vinyl.

I totally laughed out loud and then quickly apologized (although he's helped me by holding the ladder a few times, I really don't know him well) and told him I liked his hat. He said that he was hoping for rain. So I asked him if he was going to do a dance later -I know, I know, it sounds bad - but I really did mean a rain dance. Well, he looked at me a bit funny and then, pointing to my lifeguard friend (Yay! he's back!) said, "No, he does the dances." And then walked out of the pool area.

Our group was in the middle of our deep water exercise. I was doing laps of "cross-country skier" and replaying our conversation in my head. Although I hadn't meant it that way, it would  be easy to take the dance comment wrong. Now, I have not really put myself out there at the Y. I make polite conversation and get the job done. The last thing I want is a lot of attention while I'm in my swim suit - you know what I mean? Anyone that knows me well, knows that I like to joke. I'm pretty sarcastic and my humor can sometimes land on the side of off-color. In fact, one thing that is KILLING me lately is that my boys are using a word that normally makes me giggle. Boys 1 and 2 think that "nipple" is a funny word. And it is. I'm not sure why, but hearing someone say nipple makes me LOL. But, when they say it, I CAN NOT laugh. If I show any emotion about it at all, they will be using it every other word in their sentences. And, now, especially with school starting, I can't have that, can I? I have enough to worry about. Like being banned from the YMCA for sexual harassment.

Now, I knew that I wouldn't really be banned, but there was that little sigh of relief as I heard that sultry welcome on Thursday. And I kept all my comments to myself.

So, I've been following this meal plan for a just about a week now. Following the food part has not been hard. It is a lot of food and it is good - and I feel good eating it. The only thing is, that it is the same thing every day. If it were just me, there would be no problem. But I have a family. And it seems that my family does not want to eat the same thing every night for dinner. Part of me wants to yell at them to "Suck it up! Mom's trying to change things, here!" But, the other part of me understands. I started this whole thing not wanting to cook differently for my family. I don't want to cook two meals. But I can't argue with the fact that the meal plan works. I lost 3 pounds this week. I was never hungry. And I have to admit that knowing what was for breakfast, lunch, and dinner was comforting. And on those hot days it was nice to just warm up my already prepared food. I just have to figure out how to make it work for my family too. Bah! Details, details. But, what's that saying? The devil is in the details.

The part that WAS hard was the giving up Diet Coke. I didn't have headaches, I didn't get the jitters. But I missed it. The feeling of the bubbles going down my throat. The taste of the cola (and yes, even the aftertaste) with certain foods - especially garlic. I went to McDonald's for a $1 drink twice this week.  But that's an improvement from at least that 32 ouncer each day. I even was able to withstand the temptation of the 2-liter bottle in my fridge when Lobster brought it home late in the week - well not including a couple of swigs. So, I'm playing with some flavored waters this week. My first try is going to be lime, cucumber and mint. I'll let you know how it goes.

Have a great week. It's going to be a little hot here. I'm hoping to keep my cool.

Grumpy Gus

I am a wuss. I am sweaty. I am grumpy. I am a sweaty, grumpy wuss. I have been a grumpy gus to my boys (even the biggest boy) today. In fact, I've been pretty grumpy to everyone in my path. If my boys had acted like I have today, I would have had to squeeze the grumpy juice right out of them. That consists of squeezing their bodies, from the head to feet, ending with a big hug - hopefully, getting them laughing in the mean time. But let me tell you, if anyone had tried that with me today, there would not have been much left of them to tell the story - as long as they were sitting right next to me in front of the fan. And as long as they didn't move much.

It's hot. Where I live, in Oregon, it doesn't usually get or stay hot for long. And it's supposed to be back in the mid to high "Amy zone" by the end of the week. But, I don't do hot very well. My head gets fuzzy. I get snippy. My face gets red and (don't forget) sweaty and sticky and that's a bad combination for my new hair cut - my new bangs sticking to my forehead is (insert sarcastic voice here) oh, so attractive. I'm really looking forward to laying on my bed right under the ceiling fan. I'm hoping Lobster will get out our window air conditioner. If anything, just the effort of locating (because the garage is SO organized!) it and getting it to the window of our bedroom will make those temperatures go right back down. That's just the way things work around here. 

On the bright side, my weight is headed back in the right direction.  I did have a rough time the week before last at the gym and, already feeling huge and out-of-control,  I struggled with the bounce-back. I have already told you so many embarrassing things, I'm not going to go into this one. I will just say that the weight room was busier than usual and I had an audience. It took me a few days - well about a week, but I went back to that weight room. I'm starting to get my groove back and feeling more in control every day. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or the looks they may give me. I just have to keep going back. 

I'm starting a meal plan this week. Lobster is doing it with me. The thing I'm most dreading is giving up my Diet Coke. There's nothing like that first sip of the day - the bubbles sliding down my throat....Uh...Just a minute, I'll be right back. I just realized it's almost midnight and I need to "get rid of" the last of the bottle. Wouldn't want to be tempted tomorrow. OK. That's better. 

I'm still working on getting some professional nutrition help. But while that's coming together, I'm giving this meal plan a try. Wish me luck. I just got two new cooking magazines in the mail. I think they'll go in a drawer for now. See you next week.



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A LITTLE LIGHT READING

I don't have much to say this week. So, instead,  I'm going to list what I've been reading. I hope you all find them as interesting as I have.


One of my favorite blogs is Can You Stay for Dinner?  Andie Mitchell lost 135 pounds and has maintained her weight for 5 years. I love the honesty with which she writes. She includes some pretty tasty looking recipes, as well.


In Andie Mitchell's last post, she mentioned a series she came across written by Dawn Lerman for the New York Time's Blog, called Growing Up With a Fat Dad. I found it very interesting and thought provoking.


My mom cut an article from the Deseret News written by Jody Genessy and sent it in the mail to me last week. Thanks, Mom, for thinking of me. It really touched me and felt very familiar. You can read the article by clicking here. My favorite quote from that article is,

 "Rock, meet my bottom." 

 The one that made me cry (first) was, 

"But, honestly, my funny fat man routine has worn old. I've used that type of humor to hide the hurt for decades, and that's not working anymore."

This is a little off topic, but I can't read about losing weight all the time, or I may just have to gouge my eyes out with a soup spoon. So I found this link - on Pinterest -  to a blog called The Fun Cheap or Free Queen by Jordan Page, a frugality specialist - yes really, a frugality specialist. This post is taken from a segment she did on television for KUTV and is called How much should I pay for - ?   It gives helpful suggestions as to how much to pay for all kinds of goods and services such as groceries, babysitting, haircuts, and so on. 


From the "How much should I pay for" post, I found a link to another blog I've, coincidentally, been following lately called Frugally Sustainable. The link took me to a post listing 50 good Tips For Saving on Groceries. 


In those tips for saving on groceries, there was another really interesting link (don't you just love how it never ends?) about shopping with no waste. Now, I don't know that I'll ever invest that much time to grocery shopping, but it makes a lot of sense and I can see myself making changes in the way I shop. You can get to this post in A Zero Waste Home by clicking here. 


Finally, I list a book review blog, Reading For Sanity. It's a great resource for finding honest and well written reviews of books. A friend of mine is one of the contributors and she is one of the smartest and well-read women I know. 


So that's what I've been doing. Reading. Trying to find some inspiration. I wish you a good week. And happy reading.

Hello, My Name is Abby - Abby Normal.

Oh, how I love my DVR. It's kind of pathetic how much I adore it. I can record anything and watch it later without all those darn commercials. In fact, when watching tv that's not recorded, my boys ask me to fast forward through the commercials. I wish I could! But the last couple of weeks, I've been making my way through the past season of CSI-Las Vegas. I wasn't sure how I'd like the new cast members and actually, I haven't yet forgiven the show for losing Grissom years ago, so I hadn't been too eager to watch while the new episodes were actually being aired.

Anyway, if you're a watcher of the CSI shows, you know they are going to dissect a few bodies - and usually at least one brain is thrown in there for fun. They can explain why a person behaved the way they did, or how they died - just by looking at the brain and any injury to it. So I've been wondering what they would find if they dissected my brain. What would explain my behavior? Would they find a few potato chips in there? Would my switch for knowing when I was full be under-developed? Would they be able to tell me why I literally can not stop eating? What makes my brain different from, say, Lobster's brain? Why can he stop after one serving of food and I can't? Why must I stuff myself?

I've been around the block a time or two. I know how to eat healthily. I love healthy food. But even stuffing myself with healthy food is unhealthy. Why am I doing this to myself? I have had a rough week. I have been unable to control myself. At. All. And it scares me.

We all know that I am an emotional eater, but after almost 7 months of practice and delving into my feelings about food and my weight, I feel like I should be able to control myself more than this. I am about middle-aged, for heaven's sake. If anyone should have control of their body, it should be I. I think I need some help - some professional help. A lot of you have probably thought that I've needed that for a long time. A friend of mine suggested that I talk to a dietitian or nutritionist a few months ago. My sister made that same suggestion last week. I haven't wanted to get help in that way because I felt that I know what I need to do. We can see how well that has worked out.

To be successful at weight-loss, "they" say that exercise is only 20% of the equation. So, what we put in our mouths makes up the other 80%. This is a big deal. And I've got to get it right. 

THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE DAYS

There are days when I feel light. No matter my size or weight, I feel light and strong and pretty and able to do just about anything. 


This is not one of those days.


In fact, I feel just the opposite. I can feel every single one of my pounds and one or two of them (especially the one I gained this week), I feel twice. My limbs feel heavy and hard to move. Even my head feels thick and slow. Now, months ago, I would have thought it was just a bad day, but I know what I've been up to.  And it doesn't rhyme with lurking trout.  And it definitely doesn't rhyme with fleeting fright. The way I feel today reminds me of a quote I like.

"The food you eat can be either the safest and most powerful form of medicine or the slowest form of poison."      -Ann Wigmore-

I have had a great time this past week, though. We had my family reunion, here in Oregon. I feel so lucky that my mom, all of my siblings and their spouses took the time (and spent the money!) to get here. Only four of my nieces and nephews (+ 1 niece-in-law and 3 kiddos) were missing (darn kids grow up and get their own lives - what's that about?). We stayed in 6 of the deluxe cabins at Fort Stevens State Park and although the mosquitoes were hungry and fearless, I think it's safe to say that we enjoyed each other's company. The cabins are fantastic! It's absolutely my way to camp - with beds, flushing toilets, showers, screens on the windows, and a fire pit outside. Hard core, I'm not.

So here's a run down of my week:

• Worrying that I don't have enough food
• Shopping for more food
• Watching Lobster freak out about how much (food) needed to be in the car
• Joking that the axle would break under all the weight and then reassuring boy #1 for the next THREE HOURS that the axle would not break
• Massaging the neck of a driving Lobster that was more tense than any lobster should ever be
• Showing boys #1 & 2 how to make a S'MOreo
• Disappointing Lobster that I did not invent the S'MOreo and could not claim it on the internet as mine
• Sitting by the campfire and telling a spooky story (I'm a gonna getcha and then I'm gonna eatcha!) three times and then laughing at my boys as they reenact it.
• Watching a movie (yes, TVs and DVD players are in the cabins, too) with 2 boys too excited to go to sleep.
• Sending off all my guys for a much anticipated bike ride
• Dispensing first-aid to boy #2 after he crashed off his bike (10 minutes into said bike ride)
• Trying to keep 3 guys busy and make dinner for 25 people at the same time (thank you, Susan!)
• Greeting my family, letting them know where to go and realizing that the "welcome buckets" were not ready - DOH!
• Drinking WAY too much diet soda
• Eating WAY too much sugar and chips - mmmm....chips
• Laughing with my family
• Watching my boys run around with their cousins and loving every minute
• Cringing as I hear my boys teach their younger cousins how to do a "butt-bomb"
• Seeing my Utah and Arizona family brave the nippy Pacific ocean
• Enjoying yummy food made/bought by my siblings - SO GOOD!
• Sitting in a circle and playing with a candy "Tape Ball"  
• Being proud of my family while they so willingly serve by picking up trash off the beach while on their vacation
• Cleaning and packing up (a lot of extra food) and feeling sad to see my family drive off, one by one
• Feeling incredibly lucky to be part of my family - LOVE THEM!

So, yes, I'm feeling the effects of eating too much sugar, too much soda and not enough vegetables. I will begin, again, my healthier eating habits tomorrow. I am also feeling the effects of being with the people I love most. Though, my limbs and head seem thick and heavy, my heart is full and happy. And that's what is most important.