Sunday, June 24, 2012

Pride Goeth Before The Lbs.

I've had to swallow my pride a bit more than usual this past week. It's a bitter pill, that pride. I don't like being looked at as pitiful or as needy and I have a REALLY hard time asking for help. I'm kind of stubborn that way. So when I get to my water aerobics class on Tuesday and my lifeguard friend isn't there (he's in the other pool room with all the kids taking swim lessons). I was stopped in my tracks. Guess who is OUR lifeguard? Some tiny sweet thing that couldn't weigh more than 100 pounds. "So, what's the problem?" you may ask. I wasn't planning on drowning. She wasn't going to have to fish me up from the bottom of the pool. But in about 45 minutes, I was going to have to get OUT of the freaking pool. The ladder I use to get out, must be manned at the top (stepped on) so that it doesn't come crashing down on the climber outer. Well, can you just picture that tiny sweet thing being launched across the pool when I step on the other end? Maybe you can't, but that's exactly what I imagined - and I almost had a panic attack at the thought. My lifeguard friend and I had a routine worked out and nothing had to be said. It was all very safe and comforting. Although it was embarrassing to need the help, I didn't have to announce it each day.

So I had a choice to make. I could hide somewhere until it was time to take boys 1 & 2 to their swim lessons, or I could get in the &#@* pool. My lifeguard friend saw me standing there (I'm sure with a stupid look on my face) and came over to me. I joked with him (not really joking) that he was in the wrong room and that the tiny lifeguard in there might get hurt when she tried to help me. He told me that  they'd figure it out and that I should get in the pool. So I did. I worried the whole time. "How embarrassing would it be when I can't get out of the pool?" "Who's going to help me?" "Are they going to announce over the loud speaker that all lifeguards were needed in the big pool to get the circus fat lady out?" I tell you, when my worrier gets worrying, it really gets going. When it was time to go, I finally just mentioned something to the instructor and she asked the lifeguard to go get someone - who happened to be the co-director of aquatics - who happened to be a tall, handsome, physically fit man - just the person I wanted to watch me get out of the pool - with a close-up view to all of "this" (just imagine me gesturing to all of me).

For the rest of the week, I had to remind the instructor that I needed the other ladder -  because between my sore foot, my sore knee and "all this", I can't get out of the pool like the 80 year old women in my class can. And you know what? (All together - "No, but I know his brother, Who.") It worked out. But there was a price to pay. I had to ask for help - again and again. The thing is - it's not going to end any time soon. I'm getting stronger every day and one day, I won't need the "special" ladder. But, next, I need help with the equipment upstairs. I need to know the right way to use it AND how many reps of 5 or 8 or 10 or whatever I need to do. I tried to just figure it out. But, AGAIN, I knew I should ask for help. So I have an appointment with a trainer for my orientation. And, of course, it's with one of their new trainers - a young, male trainer. Now I know it was useless to hope for an old, fat, female trainer, but I don't deny hoping for it anyway. After I can use the equipment without maiming myself, I'm sure something else will come along to keep me humble. Over the weekend it was the full length mirror in my hotel room (Lobster got me a room for my Mama Mental Health Me Time - LOVE him, but hate that mirror!!). Right this minute, I'm hating the "My Fitness Pal" button I installed on my blog that will notify EVERYONE that reads this that I have lost 0 pounds toward my goal. Granted, I just installed it on Thursday.  But in addition to using the food tracking tool, I decided that I needed more accountability and the button (and its prominent placement), I'm hoping, will do that.

So, I'm needy! I'm pitiful! I require assistance! HELP ME! If I admit it to the world, will my experiences be different? I can only hope. On the bright side, I'm pretty sure that pride is calorie free.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


My dad was a good snuggler. With it being Fathers' Day today, I've had him very much on my mind. I loved sitting by my dad and leaning over, having him put his arm around me with my head in that soft spot just under his shoulder. That was a good place.  My father died almost 9 years ago, and I miss him. Sometimes, I worry that I'm forgetting his voice, and I close my eyes and try to hear him in my mind. I don't want to lose him in that way, too. But, I am my father's daughter in a lot of ways. I, too, am a good snuggler. I have plenty of soft places for my boys to get comfy. I, too, love to tease. I've even been known to point to an imaginary spot on the front of a shirt to get one to look down and then "boop" a nose. I've answered the question, "Do you know what?" with "Nope, but I know his brother, Who." I love home-grown tomatoes. I haven't gotten as good as he at growing them yet.

Another way that I am like my father is my weight. My father was a big man. As much as he loved sports, and as naturally athletic as he was, he was not active. He loved food. His weight was a struggle for him much of his adult life. As much as I know he loves me and was proud of me, I don't think he would be happy for me to follow in his footsteps this way.

Today, in the car, I was listening to Dr. Laura on the radio. I was reminded that not everyone had parents that

  1. Loved each other
  2. Loved their children and told AND showed them so
  3. Did the best they knew how to do what was right and teach their children the same
I had parents that did those things. Were they perfect? Nope - not even close. But now that I'm a parent, and know how hard it is, I think they did a pretty darn good job.  And all we can do is take the good and pass it on, leave the bad behind and do our best (and hope we don't screw them up too badly along the way).

So it will be with my lifestyle. I will take the good - the snuggly part, the tease and the love of tomatoes. I will hopefully leave the overeating and inactivity behind and just do my best. And more hopefully, my boys will be even more health conscious than I and make better choices. 

Sunday, June 10, 2012


Each of us has our own set of challenges. I've wondered why my challenges are mine quite a bit, especially lately. And after talking to a friend of mine the other night, I think a lot of others do as well.  So,  I think that instead of infertility and obesity,  I've decided I'd like, oh - a little insomnia and a head full of cowlicks. 

Now I know, that "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger" and all that blather. But how is it handed out? Is it our Heavenly Father who knows what lessons we need to learn? Is it biology and genetics?  Is it our own choices? Luck?  Well, I think that it's all of the above rolled up into a tight little ball of "Here you go - roll with it."

Lobster and I went to a birthday party the other night at some friends' house. We hadn't spent time with these friends for a long while and it was really fun. There were about 7 couples there and we all brought potluck salads and desserts, etc. Those are my favorite types of parties because it's so fun to taste what everyone else brings. While the men were out bonding around the grill, we ladies were seated around the kitchen island chatting and getting things set up. Anyway, there were potato chips there, as there so often are. Well, I popped one in my mouth - crispy, greasy heaven! And so many more followed the first until I forced myself to get up and move away from the bowls - which was a feat in and of itself. When I filled my plate I specifically avoided that side of the island so I wouldn't get more. Believe me, there was plenty of delicious food all around me - a lot of it quite healthy - but I could not get my mind off those chips. 

Then toward the end of the meal, I notice one friend - a beautiful woman with a gorgeous figure bring the bowl of chips to the table and finish them off. Now I don't know the fitness routine of my friend. For all I know she exercises two hours a day to keep looking so good. But to me, at that moment, it all seemed very unfair. Never mind that her daily food choices are probably very different from mine. Forget that her mother is just as svelte as she and so genetics are in her favor. At that moment I would have gladly traded her troubles for mine in a heartbeat. To be able to sit and eat that bowl of chips without guilt and shame and enjoy every mouthful the way she did would be wonderful. 

My friend was hardly being a glutton. This was after 14 people AND our hosts' children had already had their share. There couldn't have been many chips left. And I really don't want to trade my troubles. Who knows what I would get? Maybe she really can't sleep. I was just kidding - I don't want insomnia. I love to sleep and I love that I can sleep just about whenever I put my head down. I'm sure she wouldn't want my troubles, either. 

I guess my point is that we get what we get. As boy 2's pre-school teacher always told his class, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." If Lobster and I had been able to get pregnant, these 2 wonderful boys asleep in their beds right now wouldn't be there. I wouldn't be able to know and love them and kiss their heads and shake mine at the things they do. Yes, we will even still have unique experiences because our children are adopted. Yes, it took FOREVER and it was painful for Lobster and me, but who could say that something different would be any better? I am happy with the way my family came to be.

Someday, I may be able to look back on this period of my life in the same way. The journey is hard and sometimes tricky and sometimes treacherous. But it's mine - and it is worth it.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Eat Like A Caveman

Well, if I didn't think I was old before, I do now. There are no twin parts in my foot. That's a relief - no surgery. But believe me, I have sure heard some stories about stuff in feet. It seems that most everyone knows someone with something weird in their foot. Anyway, guess what I DO have in my foot? Arthritis. Yep, arthritis. I feel like I need a rocking chair and a nice crocheted shawl (that actually does sound kind of nice). Hearing about arthritis makes me think of cute little grannies that have a hard time opening a jar of pickles. Or really sad - of my grandpa who's legs and feet hurt him so much that he couldn't sit or stand for very long - making any position painful.

I guess I'm not quite ready for the retirement home yet - although there are some days I think it would be a welcome escape! But, once again, it all comes down to my weight. If I lost weight, there wouldn't be so much pressure on my foot. I told the orthopedist that I was working on it and she wanted details. I explained the rules I have set for myself and she said that I was making some good choices, but she had a few tips and suggestions for reading material for me. When I said that I was trying to eat only whole grains and not much with white flour, she told me that the human body has no need for grains and that I should eat like a caveman (ug!) - vegetables and lean meats. I didn't argue with her, I'm no expert. But I've been taught that grains are "to be the staff of life" so I was a bit confused. I do know that I definitely need to eat less carbohydrates. But no grains? I don't know about that.

This doctor said that she's been eating like a caveman for over a year and that she has really "leaned out" (she did appear to be very fit) and stays really satisfied. She said that when you feel like you're hungry, you should ask yourself, "Do I want to eat a steak?" If the answer is yes, it's time to eat. If the answer is no, you're thirsty or bored so get a drink of water and find something to do.

Here is her suggested reading list. I have requested books from the library and I'm looking forward to doing some research.

  • Book - "Why We Get Fat And What To Do About It" by Gary Taubes
  • Book - "The Primal Blueprint" by Mark Sisson and his website, Mark's Daily Apple
  • Book - "The Paleo Solution" by Robb Wolf and his website,

I've always thought that if I could just get to the point where I practice moderation in all things edible, I could meet the goals that I have set for myself. But here I am, five months later, down only 12 pounds and still really struggling. I had hoped to lose 50 pounds by July 1st. Oh well. One step at a time, eh? Gotta just keep pluggin' along.

Good night.