Sunday, February 24, 2013


First of all, I want to thank so many friends for their kind words. I was feeling very low last week. I was feeling out of control in my eating and ashamed for that lack of control and for not being able to snap myself out of it. I do know I'm human. Everybody makes mistakes or has lapses. 

You don't get to look like me with occasional bad weeks, however. This is a pattern I've created. It's pretty sad to think about all the time I've spent on becoming what I never wanted. Isn't that crazy?

We humans are interesting. 

We humans are complicated.

We humans are messy.

The great thing is, that we humans are strong. 

And, luckily for me, we humans can change.

That's what is so wonderful. In the midst of all the mess, all the anger, all the sadness, all the shame, we still can catch a glimmer of hope. When it's dark, even a glimmer is bright enough to start moving toward. And we can hope that it's not the light from an oncoming train.

Needless to say, I've still got a lot of work to do. I'll just keep on with the keeping on. I was serious about thinking I need therapy. I'm looking into that.

Lobster took us on an impromptu weekend trip to Portland and to OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry) yesterday. Because of that, my Sunday Stats will be incomplete this week. I wasn't home this morning to weigh myself, and I forgot to do it yesterday. I do feel as though I recovered a bit of control. I'm just going to try to build on that.

I also tried a new workout. I downloaded the demo of Kinect's Zumba Rush and was able to last about 15 minutes. I ended up buying the game and I really look forward to being able to finish a workout and actually keep up with the instructor. It was a lot of fun. I don't usually say that about a workout. Once I get my feet moving fast enough and feel like I can complete a routine, I think I'll attend a Zumba class at the Y. I can imagine more people around you would make it that much more fun. For now, though, I'll be doing it in the privacy of my family room. Where I can pretend I know how to dance.

I'm going to leave you with this quote that I found on Pinterest.

EXERCISE: 2 Water Fitness classes (50 minutes), 1 Kinect Zumba home workout (15 minutes)
FOOD: Felt better in control, better food choices - lots of fruits & veggies.
FOOD TRACKING: 4 partial days of 7  
HYDRATION: Not great

Sunday, February 17, 2013

WARNING: Sad & Pathetic

I looked up the definition of compulsion today. Here are a few:
"The irresistible urge to behave in a certain way, especially against one's conscious wishes."
"An irresistible impulse to act, regardless of the rationality of the motivation"
"A strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will."
That sounds a lot like me. I wish I had a funny story to prove it, but it turns out that my whole life is kind of that proof. And instead of being funny, it is actually pretty sad and pathetic. Oh, and embarrassing. I wouldn't want to forget that.

Saturday night, Lobster and I went out to dinner with some friends. It was a four-course dinner with an English theme that included appetizer, salad, main course, and dessert. It was delicious. We started with a plate of fish and chips for our table to share, then had a spinach salad with lots of fresh fruit. Then we were served Beef Wellington with steamed asparagus and mashed potatoes with a beef Burgundy sauce. The meal  ended with our choice of dessert - most of us choosing the cheesecake.

It, obviously, was a lot of food. I didn't eat any of the fish, but I had 3 or 4 "chips" dipped in the yummy homemade tartar sauce. I ate every bit of my salad and asparagus, and left only a few bites of my Beef Wellington and potatoes. It was a struggle to leave those bites on my plate - even though I was full.

I meant to take just a bite or two of my cheesecake and take the rest home, but I soon finished it. On the 45 minute drive home, I felt uncomfortable - both physically and emotionally. Somehow, the rest of the table found a way to put the food they couldn't (or shouldn't) eat in a box to take home. Lobster ate his asparagus, his beef out of its pastry, half his mashed potatoes, and he didn't even touch his dessert - just had it put in a box. I kept thinking about how the others could control themselves and I couldn't.

I wish my tale ended there.

We drove home, found the boys in bed AND asleep, no less! The babysitter was not too traumatized from her experience and actually said that the boys were cute. She had had fun and it all went very smoothly. Oh, except for the part when Boy 1 told her he was going to get a drink and, instead, put a chicken tender in the microwave, set it for 42 minutes and 23 seconds and went back to where they were playing. The chicken cooked for 20 minutes before they came to the kitchen, drawn by the oh-so-tempting smell of "blackened" chicken and smoke - that still hung in the air almost an hour and a half later. 

I slipped the baby sitter an extra $10 and let her make her escape. 

That's when I went to crazy town. I was still full, but not so uncomfortable as earlier. We had been home for about an hour, and I could not stop thinking about the left over pizza that we had ordered for the boys and the sitter for dinner. There were a several pieces wrapped in foil in the fridge. This wasn't even a really good pizza. It was the $10 any pizza deal we had gotten delivered. It was the kind the boys like - Hawaiian with pepperoni on half. 

Anyway, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wanted it. I knew my poor tummy was already full. I kept telling myself that I wasn't hungry and I didn't need any more food. I had just had a very good, very big meal. Why would I want some cheap pizza? I should have gone to bed. I should have thrown the pizza in the garbage. But I didn't.

I sure didn't.

I ate 2 pieces of that damned pizza. And felt terrible all over again. Oh, the shame of it just makes my skin crawl. 

I warned you. Sad and pathetic. I'm pretty sure I need therapy. 

Please tell me what you did to overcome your needy, sad, and pathetic bits this week. I'm needing some inspiration.

EXERCISE: 1 water fitness class, 2 Silver & Fit classes
FOOD: Increasing trouble stopping eating even though full. Not as many fruits/veggies this week.
FOOD TRACKING: 4 of 7 days
HYDRATION: Good but not over 64 oz per day yet.

Monday, February 11, 2013


I stubbed my toe last night. My poor little pinkie toe slammed into the leg of Boy 2's bed. As hard as I had tried to follow our bedtime routine in a calm and pleasant manner, the boys were all wound up. With words like poop-face and wienie-head being thrown back and forth, I was quickly losing my pleasantness. As I stubbed my toe, I wanted to scream my own version of profanities and then cradle my toe in my hands as I rocked back and forth on the floor. But I knew as soon as I showed any weakness, I would lose what little high ground I had.  Not to mention that I don't think I could have gotten back up off the floor. 

Lately, I've been feeling like my poor birdhouse by my front door.

How sad it looks. The jasmine by my entry has completely over taken my poor birdhouse and knocked it off its feet. 

When I planted the jasmine there, I pictured its emerald tendrils gently wrapping round the birdhouse, using its support to grow strong and tall. I imagined, in early summer, its mass of fragrant, white blossoms only broken by the face of each weathered house.

It is glorious when in bloom. That jasmine is everything I had pictured in my head. But sometimes, it needs a heavy hand.  Although I had, a few months back, tidied up it's out-of-control tendrils - snipped its grip on the downspout - stopped its invasion of Boy 1's window, I left it still too top heavy. And with its envelopment of the birdhouse,  my jasmine risks uprooting itself.

My boys' fingers get into everything. Their ever-reaching tendrils emptying the new toothpaste tube, popping the new bag of cotton balls, taking apart toys and pens. Tearing and ripping and invading. 

They, too, can be glorious. The look in their eyes when they get a concept. Skipping rocks across the river or when they run with abandon. The snuggles that are getting oh, too few as they get older. 

Sometimes I am the gardener; Using my shears, at times too hesitant, learning as I go, but often too harsh. 

I am also the birdhouse; Lending support for new growth. Accepting the beauty the vine lends. At times I am overwhelmed. I topple under the weight of responsibility. I fail time and again - only to try time and again.

They're good for each other, the birdhouse and my jasmine. One without the other is not the same. As the designer, I knew my vine needed support. Any support would have worked well. But I wanted a specific result. 

So, when I feel overwhelmed, when I feel up-ended and out of sorts, I try to not question The Designer. While any support could have done, a specific result is in mind. That result can be beautiful. 

It can be glorious.

EXERCISE: Meh - 1 hour water fitness, 1-25 min. walk
  Choices: Good healthy food this week/Portion control still an issue-wanted to eat even though full-feeling a lot of stress this week.
  Tracking: Pretty good - 5 of 7 days
HYDRATION: Started out great, piddled down to not so much.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Groundhogs, Hormones, and Other Random Thoughts

Well, apparently Spring is on it's way. Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow yesterday. Although, Spring coming here in Oregon just means that more rain is on the way. Anyway, I'd better get going on some pruning that was supposed to be done in January. My yard will look better and bonus - if I'm outside working, I won't be inside stuffing my face.

It has been a hard food week for me. I keep having to, physically and mentally, get myself back on track. I'm not sure what's going on, because it hasn't been an especially stressful week. I've felt calmer in my parenting, there was money left over after paying the bills, and it wasn't as busy a week as last. Lobster has been really stressed with work, though. Maybe I'm just doing his stress eating for him. 

What can I say? I'm a giver.

Then, yesterday, I hopped on the scale. I had gained 6 pounds since the last time I weighed myself two days earlier. I had a bad week, but it wasn't six pounds bad! I would have had to consume an extra 10,500 calories to gain 6 pounds. I'm hoping that it's mostly water weight. Or hormones. Water and hormones - that's it (fingers crossed). My weight will fluctuate a pound or two just depending on the time of day, so I don't worry too much about that. 6 pounds though. Sigh.

Lobster is getting ready for a work trip this week. He's headed to Florida on Tuesday. Before kids, I kind of loved his trips. I'd watch lots of movies and tv he didn't want to see, I'd go out with my friends, I'd sleep at times when I should be awake, I wouldn't fix dinner, and I'd buy lots of plants (I used to work at a nursery). 

Now, no partner makes for loooooooooooooooong days. And no one to pick up my slack when I'm tired and grumpy. This trip, he'll be gone over the weekend, too. Wish me luck. 

A new family moved in next door. They have 2 boys, one of which is in Boy 1's grade. He has already been attending the same school, and so they know each other. I should be happy about it, but I'm dreading it - especially for the coming summer. While the boy next door is nice, he has a friend who is so not. I've already been keeping an eye on that one since last school year when all three boys were in the same 2nd grade class.

I've mentioned before that my son is quirky. As he gets older, he notices the differences between him and the other kids and so do the other kids. This year, he's been saying that other kids think he's stupid. It breaks my heart how mean kids can be to each other. I'm afraid with the mean kid visiting a lot next door, I'm going to go all "Mama Bear." I shouldn't worry about things until they happen. It's a waste of energy. When it comes to our kids, though...

I'm dispensing with my Sunday Stats this week. 6 pounds. 6 POUNDS.

What the what?
Again, sigh.

This week, may your kids be angels, your food be healthy and delicious, and may the hormones and the water be ever in your favor.