That was all before I had children of my own, you see. I was such a good parent then. I knew all the answers.
I wish I could get that back.
I didn't come by this gig in the usual way. Lobster and I tried for a very long time, but didn't ever get pregnant. I don't know what it's like to feel my child move within me. But, I do know what it's like to see him for the first time and know that I'm supposed to be his Mother.
Boy 1 was 20 months old when he spent his first night in our home. The poor little guy was in a new place, had a fresh cold, and (we learned the next day) ear infections in both ears. Lobster and I took turns in a recliner comforting this sweet boy through the night. I'm sure it was an awful night for him. And I sure felt for him. But, for me, it's the best thing that could have happened. Boy 1 had captured my heart a few weeks earlier at our first meeting. He wasn't to legally be our son for over a year, but holding him during that first night made me a mommy. His mommy. And he had me completely.
He still does.
But, he pushes my buttons like no one else can. We have had a rough week, he and I. I have seriously doubted my ability to do this Mom Thing. I don't know all the answers. I don't know what to do sometimes. I worry that I'm screwing him up more than I'm helping him.
And, by the way, I definitely haven't kicked the stress eating habit.
But then there are nights like tonight. I went in to tuck him in and sing him his songs. He first asks me if I'd like him to sing me a song. Not many get to hear him sing. He's always so worried about others watching him. He's a worrier. As he stumbled a bit with the lyrics, I softly sang with him to help him with the words. I feel lucky he shared it with me. We had a nice talk. It sure started to fill that mom pitcher that was feeling so empty. After I sang him his songs and tickled his arms and back, I leaned in to give him a good night kiss. Our lips missed each other and he told me that that wasn't a real kiss and that I should give him 10 more. Ten more kisses for the boy who, on some nights, wipes off the quick peck on his forehead. Oh, that boy just melts my heart.
This Mom Thing is hard. But, it is THE BEST hard thing.