I stubbed my toe last night. My poor little pinkie toe slammed into the leg of Boy 2's bed. As hard as I had tried to follow our bedtime routine in a calm and pleasant manner, the boys were all wound up. With words like poop-face and wienie-head being thrown back and forth, I was quickly losing my pleasantness. As I stubbed my toe, I wanted to scream my own version of profanities and then cradle my toe in my hands as I rocked back and forth on the floor. But I knew as soon as I showed any weakness, I would lose what little high ground I had. Not to mention that I don't think I could have gotten back up off the floor.
Lately, I've been feeling like my poor birdhouse by my front door.
How sad it looks. The jasmine by my entry has completely over taken my poor birdhouse and knocked it off its feet.
When I planted the jasmine there, I pictured its emerald tendrils gently wrapping round the birdhouse, using its support to grow strong and tall. I imagined, in early summer, its mass of fragrant, white blossoms only broken by the face of each weathered house.
It is glorious when in bloom. That jasmine is everything I had pictured in my head. But sometimes, it needs a heavy hand. Although I had, a few months back, tidied up it's out-of-control tendrils - snipped its grip on the downspout - stopped its invasion of Boy 1's window, I left it still too top heavy. And with its envelopment of the birdhouse, my jasmine risks uprooting itself.
My boys' fingers get into everything. Their ever-reaching tendrils emptying the new toothpaste tube, popping the new bag of cotton balls, taking apart toys and pens. Tearing and ripping and invading.
They, too, can be glorious. The look in their eyes when they get a concept. Skipping rocks across the river or when they run with abandon. The snuggles that are getting oh, too few as they get older.
Sometimes I am the gardener; Using my shears, at times too hesitant, learning as I go, but often too harsh.
I am also the birdhouse; Lending support for new growth. Accepting the beauty the vine lends. At times I am overwhelmed. I topple under the weight of responsibility. I fail time and again - only to try time and again.
They're good for each other, the birdhouse and my jasmine. One without the other is not the same. As the designer, I knew my vine needed support. Any support would have worked well. But I wanted a specific result.
So, when I feel overwhelmed, when I feel up-ended and out of sorts, I try to not question The Designer. While any support could have done, a specific result is in mind. That result can be beautiful.
It can be glorious.
WEIGHT LOSS/GAIN:-4.6 lbs
TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS: 24.4 lbs
EXERCISE: Meh - 1 hour water fitness, 1-25 min. walk
Choices: Good healthy food this week/Portion control still an issue-wanted to eat even though full-feeling a lot of stress this week.
Tracking: Pretty good - 5 of 7 days
HYDRATION: Started out great, piddled down to not so much.