"The irresistible urge to behave in a certain way, especially against one's conscious wishes."
"An irresistible impulse to act, regardless of the rationality of the motivation"
"A strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will."That sounds a lot like me. I wish I had a funny story to prove it, but it turns out that my whole life is kind of that proof. And instead of being funny, it is actually pretty sad and pathetic. Oh, and embarrassing. I wouldn't want to forget that.
Saturday night, Lobster and I went out to dinner with some friends. It was a four-course dinner with an English theme that included appetizer, salad, main course, and dessert. It was delicious. We started with a plate of fish and chips for our table to share, then had a spinach salad with lots of fresh fruit. Then we were served Beef Wellington with steamed asparagus and mashed potatoes with a beef Burgundy sauce. The meal ended with our choice of dessert - most of us choosing the cheesecake.
It, obviously, was a lot of food. I didn't eat any of the fish, but I had 3 or 4 "chips" dipped in the yummy homemade tartar sauce. I ate every bit of my salad and asparagus, and left only a few bites of my Beef Wellington and potatoes. It was a struggle to leave those bites on my plate - even though I was full.
I meant to take just a bite or two of my cheesecake and take the rest home, but I soon finished it. On the 45 minute drive home, I felt uncomfortable - both physically and emotionally. Somehow, the rest of the table found a way to put the food they couldn't (or shouldn't) eat in a box to take home. Lobster ate his asparagus, his beef out of its pastry, half his mashed potatoes, and he didn't even touch his dessert - just had it put in a box. I kept thinking about how the others could control themselves and I couldn't.
I wish my tale ended there.
We drove home, found the boys in bed AND asleep, no less! The babysitter was not too traumatized from her experience and actually said that the boys were cute. She had had fun and it all went very smoothly. Oh, except for the part when Boy 1 told her he was going to get a drink and, instead, put a chicken tender in the microwave, set it for 42 minutes and 23 seconds and went back to where they were playing. The chicken cooked for 20 minutes before they came to the kitchen, drawn by the oh-so-tempting smell of "blackened" chicken and smoke - that still hung in the air almost an hour and a half later.
I slipped the baby sitter an extra $10 and let her make her escape.
That's when I went to crazy town. I was still full, but not so uncomfortable as earlier. We had been home for about an hour, and I could not stop thinking about the left over pizza that we had ordered for the boys and the sitter for dinner. There were a several pieces wrapped in foil in the fridge. This wasn't even a really good pizza. It was the $10 any pizza deal we had gotten delivered. It was the kind the boys like - Hawaiian with pepperoni on half.
Anyway, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wanted it. I knew my poor tummy was already full. I kept telling myself that I wasn't hungry and I didn't need any more food. I had just had a very good, very big meal. Why would I want some cheap pizza? I should have gone to bed. I should have thrown the pizza in the garbage. But I didn't.
I sure didn't.
I ate 2 pieces of that damned pizza. And felt terrible all over again. Oh, the shame of it just makes my skin crawl.
I warned you. Sad and pathetic. I'm pretty sure I need therapy.
Please tell me what you did to overcome your needy, sad, and pathetic bits this week. I'm needing some inspiration.
WEIGHT GAIN/LOSS: +0.4
TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS: 24 lbs
EXERCISE: 1 water fitness class, 2 Silver & Fit classes
FOOD: Increasing trouble stopping eating even though full. Not as many fruits/veggies this week.
FOOD TRACKING: 4 of 7 days
HYDRATION: Good but not over 64 oz per day yet.