Sunday, February 17, 2013

WARNING: Sad & Pathetic

I looked up the definition of compulsion today. Here are a few:
"The irresistible urge to behave in a certain way, especially against one's conscious wishes."
"An irresistible impulse to act, regardless of the rationality of the motivation"
"A strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will."
That sounds a lot like me. I wish I had a funny story to prove it, but it turns out that my whole life is kind of that proof. And instead of being funny, it is actually pretty sad and pathetic. Oh, and embarrassing. I wouldn't want to forget that.

Saturday night, Lobster and I went out to dinner with some friends. It was a four-course dinner with an English theme that included appetizer, salad, main course, and dessert. It was delicious. We started with a plate of fish and chips for our table to share, then had a spinach salad with lots of fresh fruit. Then we were served Beef Wellington with steamed asparagus and mashed potatoes with a beef Burgundy sauce. The meal  ended with our choice of dessert - most of us choosing the cheesecake.

It, obviously, was a lot of food. I didn't eat any of the fish, but I had 3 or 4 "chips" dipped in the yummy homemade tartar sauce. I ate every bit of my salad and asparagus, and left only a few bites of my Beef Wellington and potatoes. It was a struggle to leave those bites on my plate - even though I was full.

I meant to take just a bite or two of my cheesecake and take the rest home, but I soon finished it. On the 45 minute drive home, I felt uncomfortable - both physically and emotionally. Somehow, the rest of the table found a way to put the food they couldn't (or shouldn't) eat in a box to take home. Lobster ate his asparagus, his beef out of its pastry, half his mashed potatoes, and he didn't even touch his dessert - just had it put in a box. I kept thinking about how the others could control themselves and I couldn't.

I wish my tale ended there.

We drove home, found the boys in bed AND asleep, no less! The babysitter was not too traumatized from her experience and actually said that the boys were cute. She had had fun and it all went very smoothly. Oh, except for the part when Boy 1 told her he was going to get a drink and, instead, put a chicken tender in the microwave, set it for 42 minutes and 23 seconds and went back to where they were playing. The chicken cooked for 20 minutes before they came to the kitchen, drawn by the oh-so-tempting smell of "blackened" chicken and smoke - that still hung in the air almost an hour and a half later. 

I slipped the baby sitter an extra $10 and let her make her escape. 

That's when I went to crazy town. I was still full, but not so uncomfortable as earlier. We had been home for about an hour, and I could not stop thinking about the left over pizza that we had ordered for the boys and the sitter for dinner. There were a several pieces wrapped in foil in the fridge. This wasn't even a really good pizza. It was the $10 any pizza deal we had gotten delivered. It was the kind the boys like - Hawaiian with pepperoni on half. 

Anyway, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wanted it. I knew my poor tummy was already full. I kept telling myself that I wasn't hungry and I didn't need any more food. I had just had a very good, very big meal. Why would I want some cheap pizza? I should have gone to bed. I should have thrown the pizza in the garbage. But I didn't.

I sure didn't.

I ate 2 pieces of that damned pizza. And felt terrible all over again. Oh, the shame of it just makes my skin crawl. 

I warned you. Sad and pathetic. I'm pretty sure I need therapy. 

Please tell me what you did to overcome your needy, sad, and pathetic bits this week. I'm needing some inspiration.

EXERCISE: 1 water fitness class, 2 Silver & Fit classes
FOOD: Increasing trouble stopping eating even though full. Not as many fruits/veggies this week.
FOOD TRACKING: 4 of 7 days
HYDRATION: Good but not over 64 oz per day yet.


  1. Last night I had one of those moments. I allowed myself to relive and beat myself up about something I didn't think I'd done like I should have. I was actually praying for help when all this occurred. I think, for me, praying helps most. When it comes to food and eating, exercise is what helps me. If I can manage to get some good, exhausting exercise in, then I strangely don't crave food. It helps me with my self-esteem. I feel better about myself and don't need to indulge in food as much. I'm not sure how that works. Probably something to do with endorphins and the like. I'm not sure that helps, because Nate says he never gets a runner's high from running like I do. But, it's what works for me. What's universal though, is that we all fall down, feel shameful, discouraged. You're not alone there Amy!

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  3. Oh Amy, we all have days like that! WE are just really flawed creations. I think you should notice that you did 3 big workouts this week. I think that is awesome!

  4. Amy! I'm so sorry you had a pitfall on your journey. Drat that pizza! But you have to remember that it is a journey. There are bound to be mistakes along the way. Learn from them and move on. You can't beat yourself up and feel like a complete failure over one fallback. Perfection isn't a snap. In the words of Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself."
    His whole talk is a great reminder that we have to remember that we are in a process and we are loved throughout that process:
    Don't forget to give yourself credit for your successes. Like Carrie said, you did 3 big workouts this week. Plus, at book club, you turned down dessert entirely. That couldn't have been easy, especially when a very good friend had prepared it ;) And I was so proud of you! You can do this!

  5. All of the kind words and encouragement are SO appreciated! You don't get to look like me with occasional slip ups. This is a pattern - a pattern I'm trying to change. This week has been especially hard and I feel no control.

    It's a new week - hopefully with a whole new attitude.

    Thanks, my friends!

  6. Amy, I can so relate to this. I know that you know I can. I HAVE been there. I had asked myself that same question a million gazillion times. And then by chance I discovered the answer. Like a gift from Heavenly Father. Really, it has changed my life. I think I told you about my blood sugar problem. I had asked myself for years.."How can I just have eaten and have been stuffed yet feel DRIVEN to eat again? Driven I say DRIVEN." Driven right up to over 300 lbs. Then I on a fluke I discovered that after I eat any carbs. I mean any, even fruit. My blood sugar tanks. Like to 50s-60s. Of course the body is always trying to survive so when blood sugar goes that low. The body sends off alarms ...EAT EAT EAT and eat carbs (sugar) so your blood sugar will go up. So I would be driven to eat even though I had just eaten. Of course I never knew what was going on just that I wanted to eat all the time. Of corse by eating carbs again it just started the cycle over again. I went on almost no carbs and I promise it took 2 weeks and like a MIRACLE I wasn't hungry any more. I wasn't tired. Really Amy I beg you to try a low carb diet. So please just consider this could be it. Once I had been on low carb for a month I could walk in a bakery and nothing tempted me. But as soon as I ate carbs I was back on the crazy train. I hope this made since. It's hard to explain, but we should talk. Love ya, I finally figured it out at 48 yrs old, but it has changed my life.

  7. Hey Amy,
    First of all -- everyone slips up, relapses, has stuff, etc. Everyone. You are learning what your triggers are. You are definitely learning where to focus your "rehab" energy. You are already smart about both nutrition and exercise for the normal day-to-day. There is nothing wrong with trying a low-carb diet to see if it helps you. While there are many metabolic reasons pro and con, the main answer is -- you do what works for you. It worked for Tammy. Sometimes low carbing is the silver bullet -- especially at first. I could get into the biochem if it interests you. But I do recommend that you have a chat with Tammy like she suggested and learn about the day-to-day how-to applications from someone who has done it. Meanwhile, remember that if you add a stress to your life (like following a diet) you also have to add a coping strategy (like a hobby). If you remove an addiction or compulsion from your life, you also have to add something to fill the void that will create. Something will always suck into a "vacuum", so be prepared with something rewarding and good. Love you! =)