Monday, February 6, 2012

He's My Lobster!

It has been a week! Lobster went out-of-town Thursday and well, all I can say is that being a single parent is hard. My husband has travelled for most of our married life. That’s the way of a salesman. Before kids, it was kind of nice having some time to myself, eating cereal (or a bag of potato chips) for dinner with no one to complain about the meatless meal. Or cleaning the house and having it stay the way I liked it since I was the only one there.  But now that the boys are here with me, it’s almost torture being the only one to feed, clean, clothe, and entertain. It’s exhausting and I don’t really know how actual single parents do it day in and day out. I have the utmost respect for them and the many hats they have to wear. Having Lobster gone does make me really feel grateful for what he does when he’s home. So it’s been a bit of a stressful week. We’ve already determined that I don’t handle stress well. It’s a good thing we don’t have any potato chips in the house tonight.  I totally lost it earlier. Boys 1 and 2 were doing what they do best and I just lost it. You moms out there – don’t you just hate that? I guess what I hate most is the guilt that comes when it’s quiet. As I told boy 1 when I kissed him (grudgingly) good night, “We’ll try again tomorrow.”

In April, Lobster and I will have been married for 18 years. Man that makes me feel old. It just sounds like such a big number. Just a five more years, and I will have been married for as long as I was single. We met in 1993 and married in 1994. It seems like forever ago, but at the same time just yesterday.  Do you remember the TV show “Friends”? It was THE show to watch and I liked it a lot. I loved the tension between Ross and Rachel and wanted them to get together. There was an episode in 1996 when Phoebe explained to Ross that he needed to relax and know it would work out because Rachel was his lobster. If I have figured out how to do it, there should be a link to the segment somewhere on today’s post. It’s one of my favorite episodes. Anyway, since then, I’ve called my husband my lobster. It’s an amazing feeling when love works out. Especially after all the times it doesn't. I knew pretty early that Lobster and I were supposed to be together. We, like everyone else, have had our ups and downs, but I have never, ever questioned my choice to stand by his side.

When we met and dated and married, I was almost half my current weight. I am still that same woman in my head. It’s quite a shock every time I see a picture of myself or look in a full-length mirror because it is so different from what I think I look like. It’s embarrassing to admit that to anyone, but I think it’s important to be honest and to know the truth. I’ve been fooling myself for too long. We have to know what is before we can change it.  I have never been skinny. I am a large woman and even at my lowest weight, I was what one might call curvy. I’m ok with that. I would be totally ok with that right now. But I can’t even think about it. Even that is too far away. I need to work on small, realistic goals. Maybe I need the 12-step program. I am an addict. I know that I need to step up the accountability. I’m feeling discouraged that I’m not doing better. But, I’ve been trying to remember what my sister wrote to me in an email a week or so ago. “Don't listen to those negative thoughts in your head.  Listen to Heavenly Father.  He tells you that you are wonderful and can do hard things.”  I need to take it one day at a time – because we can try again tomorrow.

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